The stage is set in a studio apartment in a Chicago suburb. It’s slightly messy, but not oh-my-god level of messy if you know what I mean. It’s 6:58 pm on a Monday. Anna runs on from stage left to turn on her TV. It was time to watch The Bachelorette.
She opens her laptop to her Twitter timeline, ready to share every opinion on the episode with the rest of the world. Next to her is a glass of pink moscato. She’s ready for the drama to begin.
Oh god, who have I become? One day, I pride myself in never having seen any episode of The Bachelor/Bachelorette, and the next I’m eagerly awaiting to see the drama that’s bound to unfold. In just 3 short weeks, I’ve become a junkie. I’m talking about the show at work. I’m complaining about Whaboom to everyone who will listen. How did this happen to me? I have a family!
I apologize for not posting about last week’s episode, but here is the premiere’s recap if ya feel like reading it. I’ll sum up my feelings about last week’s episode in two short words: Seriously, DeMario?
Since I’m just a Bachelorette novice, I was under the impression that rose ceremonies took place at the end of every episode. Oh ho ho, was I was I wrong. Having the episode end right in the middle of the DeMario drama felt like when someone leaves the microwave with time still on it. I need that 7 seconds to finish before I’m 100% comfortable again!
So, starting from the end of the DeMario drama and finishing at the middle of the Eric drama, here is everything you missed on The Bachelorette: Episode 3.
Hey DeMario, did you actually think that Rachel would take you back on the show? You lied to her and your girlfriend (???) repeatedly, even denying that you knew the girlfriend at all in the beginning! That’s some serious shade, DeMario, and Rachel’s smart enough to see through it.
Whaboom + Blake Drama
First off, Whaboom told Rachel that Blake stands over him at night eating a banana very slowly. Rachel’s like “Okay….” and goes to talk to Blake again. Blake, of course, denies it. But wait until you hear his reasoning! He cites that he doesn’t eat carbs, so the story couldn’t possibly be true. If I were Rachel, I’d be like, “Leave, now.” Who needs a man who doesn’t eat carbs? Have they ever known the wonder of pasta? Or unlimited breadsticks??
So then comes the rose ceremony, right? So here’s me, for the second week in a row, praying for Whaboom to get kicked off. The Lord came through this week, eliminating both Whaboom and Blake at the same time. Thank GOD. But the drama didn’t end just yet, as you may have seen from my Twitter feed
Little did I know, they were going to have a little fight in the courtyard. These two GROWN MEN were insulting each other, and it honestly hurts me to say this, but…
…I preferred Lucas to Blake. I know, I know, but after he got eliminated, he almost seemed normal. Strange.
Group Date #1
The first group date of the episode is honestly #goals. Rachel brought Alex, Bryan, Fred, Peter, Will, and Tickle Monster onto the Ellen Show with her. Honestly, I think Ellen needs to host this show instead of Chris Harrison. Sorry Mr. Harrison, nothing against you, I just forget you exist sometimes.
It was revealed on the show that at least 1 person has kissed Rachel. Tickle Monster is astounded, and thinks it must’ve only been a peck on the cheek. Oh Tickle Monster, how naive you are.
Possibly the most important part of the episode: Ellen got the dudes to take their shirts off and dance in the audience! I appreciated this whole segment except for when the camera was on Tickle Monster. His general presence just makes me very uncomfortable.
After all the dudes (unfortunately) put their shirts back on, it was time to play Never Have I Ever. Not a lot of juicy stuff was admitted during this game to be honest. Alex peed in the house pool, three of the guys have kissed Rachel, Rachel and Fred knew each other from elementary school. The usual stuff, ya know.
It was then that Rachel did a very shady thing. After she had talked to all the guys one-on-one and Fred kissed her, she asked to speak to him alone. Get this, she brought the rose with her. So not only was Fred happy that he finally kissed Rachel, he thought he was getting the rose. Boy, was he mistaken. Rachel said that the kiss felt like she was kissing a boy and how she’ll never feel anything more for him. Fred has to go home. Now, I wasn’t really a huge Fred fan, but that still made me a bit irritated. You can’t base a guy off who he was as an 8-year-old!
Rachel ended up giving the rose to my dude, Alex. My mood was instantly turned around because Alex is one of my favorites, regardless of whether or not he peed in the pool.
Rachel took Anthony out on a horse ride on Rodeo Drive. Yep, real horses! They casually trotted into multiple stores, got fitted for cowboy hats and boots, and Anthony’s horse even crapped on some store’s floor.
That night, Rachel and Anthony had a nice moonlit dinner with live music by a quartet. Very romantic, indeed. Anthony definitely earned his rose that night!
Group date #2
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to wrestle. The men in question are Dean, Adam, Eric, Kenny, Bryce, Lee, Brady, and Jack Stone. I had absolutely no idea who Brady was before this scene. I simply saw him in the background one time and was like “Who is that blonde beauty?” Now I basically know that he’s basically just a pretty face and doesn’t bring much more to the table (unless you count the booger roll modeling trick).
All booger rolls aside, this date was basically meant to focus on the drama surrounding Eric. Raven (forgive me if this is the wrong girl) asked Lee and Bryce if there was anyone they thought had impure motives (
read: basically everyone on the show) and they both said Eric. Now, the night before, Eric had gone off about how he thought Rachel was afraid to commit and wasn’t being 100% real in their conversations. He basically told off Iggy while he was at it, too. To sum it up in a word…#awkward.
After Bryce somehow beat the Kenny, the pro-wrestler, it was time for the post-date conversations! Rachel made a controversial decision and gave the group rose to Eric because she felt that was the relationship that made the most progress. I was pulling for Kenny, but oh well. You win some, you lose some.
More Eric Drama
This episode ends on even more drama surrounding Eric. He collected everyone who talked smack about him into the living room of the house and basically started yelling at everyone. Yikes.
Next Week’s Episode
There will most likely be a very stressful rose ceremony AND a bunch of racial issues brought up by Lee, who’s been known to tweet pretty racist things. I expect a very tense episode.
What did you guys think of Monday’s episode of The Bachelorette? Loved it, hated it, or somewhere in between? Tell me all your feelings in the comments!
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